Being Angry, Trying not to Sin

It’s hard. Disagreeing without arguing is hard.

Well, duh.  Trinity spent an evening discovering this difficulty.  Our experience merits some attention.  We found two real issues.

One of our groups struggled to disagree, not because they all shared the same opinions, but because disagreement is risky and agreement is comfy.  They went to great  lengths to agree, keeping the conversation civil, and shallow.

The Importance of Vulnerability

There’s good news here:  Relationships are more important than positions. How do you disagree with people you love?  Thanksgiving dinner makes that question particularly urgent.  Here, vulnerability was particularly acute because we are not close.  We all want to be liked–am I making a good impression?  If I disagree, will you walk out on me?  People walk out on each other all the time, even in the Church, on every pretense.  Every time you speak up, you risk rejection.  So it is meant to be. The Christian way is one of vulnerability.  Jesus, our life’s example, comes to us as a vulnerable baby and dies as a vulnerable man.  Only in opening ourselves to the risk of being known will we find love and acceptance.  Our refusal to be vulnerable is what divides and destroys, just as that refusal put Jesus on the cross centuries ago.

The next difficulty comes when we take the step of disagreeing.  Hearing an opinion that is, shall we say, wrong, inspires anger, maybe defensiveness, and certainly the need to push back–you can hardly stop yourself!  But stop you must if you are going to listen.  Normally we hear the errors and outrages of the other side.  Here we were trying to hear the reasons behind those other opinions.  We listened for values we could understand, even if they led to conclusions we can’t grasp.  What’s hard here is holding back, letting go of anger and arguments.  Hard work, but worth it, because here is where community can be built.

You CAN do this at home!

What now?  Trinity will do this again, but in the meantime, there are some steps we can take:

Be curious–why does your opponent see things in such a strange way?  What does she see that you are missing?  What core values cause him to take the positions he does?  Curiosity doesn’t always bring agreement, but it brings understanding, and agreement can come from there.

Be vulnerable–yes, it’s hard, but relationships come first.  So take a chance on sharing what matters to you, and hearing what matters to someone else.

Be open–all around us people are fighting to be heard, often using destructive and self-destructive means.  We can insist that everyone gets a place at the table when we’re open to hear from outsiders.

Be constructive–outrage is easily provoked, but  why?  Certainly there are times when moral outrage is the only appropriate response.  Conspiracy theories, memes taking quotes out of context, half-truths and favorite pundits just aren’t those times.

Be joyful–seriously, if God has given us the task of bringing in his Kingdom, shouldn’t this calling be a cause for celebration?  When we lose the joy and wonder of our faith, we’ve lost the point.  Christians should be a joy to be around.  We can laugh.  We should.

Post with care.  What does your online presence say about who you worship?  Does your outrage serve God’s purposes, or are you just venting?  Are your facts real or do they suit the conspiracy that makes your side right and their side evil?  Do you begin with judgment or compassion?

None of this is easy.  You may have to change your mind.  When you understand where your opponent begins, you may lose your moral superiority.  It is so much more fun to fire up your own righteous anger than to cool off with the complexities of the issues.  It is so much easier to be right!

But we follow Christ on the way of the cross.  To hold on to our lives is to lose them and to let go is to live.  What sacrifice of self-righteousness and outrage are we able to offer?  Our lives depend on that answer.